One of my earliest memories is watching Solid Gold Dancers on the television in the family room of my childhood home. I don’t know why that memory has stuck with me, but I can see the television in my mind as sure as the words I am spilling onto this page. Why do our brains hold on to such memories? What makes one thing stick in our mind for our life, and another thing become nothing; The kind of insignificant nothing that doesn’t make the cut in our story of life. Everything I am about to write made the cut.
I am 47 years old. Some days I wonder why we count our years, when it’s the moments that are the remembered sum of our life. I have known old men that haven’t lived half the life that a young child has lived. I shake my head as I see some wasting the blessing that sits right on their lap. They complain about not having this or having too much of that. I hear others compare and complain, complain and compare. I have heard it and I have done it. I don’t have time for that non-sense in my life anymore. I have had both abundance and I have been left wanting, and neither one is the secret to happiness. I have tried and I have failed at figuring out how I can make something more or less than it is. I have resigned myself to knowing that things are what they are, and it’s my position that I can either use it or leave it. I have chosen to use what I’m about to tell you in hopes that you can find hope no matter what life throws at you.
I recognize goodness and I acknowledge truth. Is that because I have seen the opposite of both? I hope to never forget what made me who I am today. I hope to always take a pause when the moment calls. I’m not afraid of dying~ I am afraid of not living the life that I was put here to live. So, in that fear I will continue to step out of my comfort zone and share things about my life that are not comfy. They are not easy to hear or read. I will share the joys and I will share the amazing gifts that I have been given. I will share the moments along the way that have brought my heart tremendous pain.
Let me begin at the end and I will work my way through. Stay with me. I will tell you everything.

Praying for hearts to feel the courage, strength, and peace knowing that God goes before you to pave the way; Beside You to encourage and lean on when weak; And Behind you to be the Wind that will fill your sails as you are moving to the next milestone, task,
or in the space that you are standing still waiting for the next moment.
Deal with the moment right in front of you- do not look too far ahead. Set aside expectations; especially the expectations of THIS world. Fulfill each moment living in His peace and His glory, and know that there is NOTHING that He expects from you. He loves you, for you. And living for Him means to love yourself right where you are at and growing yourself into the beautiful person that He has set you here to be. Find Him and Seek Him and hone into the Whispers of The Holy Spirit. They will guide you to the path of peace that only can be achieved by living in Him and for Him.
Life on this world is not easy- that’s for sure.
But the comfort and hope and love that He provides is the most beautiful shield against this world and it’s expectations.
Praying for healing for hearts, mind, and bodies✝️🙏🏻🤟🏻🧡
Helping our young and old to “shake off” others criticizing remarks and knowing that the only measure that matters comes from Him-
The best gift we can give them is to encourage them to drown out the peer voices and only listen to the encouragement of HIS love🧡🧡🧡
I remember feeling like there was something “wrong” with me…
The weight of grief so very heavy
The inability to get a second wind, because the first one never even arrived….
Then I read something that made me feel a deeper understanding of myself. Because I didn’t recognize me anymore.
“An hour of grief is worth 8 hours of heavy labor”…..
It’s like a dim light was seen in the distance after I read that.
It grounded me
I could understand the me I now resided in….
I was grieving and grieving is the long haul kind of heavy.
In the beginning, it’s the the kind that doesn’t give you a long enough break to recharge…..A long enough breath in between being drug back under the water….
But I am here to say.
You will survive it.
You may not care to, right now.
Survive.
I know I would be very ok with the grief to take me…. To take me to the ones that I grieve for.
It’s not that I don’t want to be here. Here is where my other babies are. But the grief is such a heavy yoke, that I wouldn’t mind at all to take it off and bask in Heaven with my babies-
We will wear our grief in the scars of our love all of our days.
I dont believe grief will ever feel “right”… but it will begin to become a little less shocking when it hits.
Just a little less tiresome.
Enough to where we can tread the water and take in the view🥹🧡
What is love?
What does it look like?
What does it feel like?
How do we “know” what love really is?
The truest testimony of love can be where one’s whole purpose in a certain moment is to make someone else’s life a little better, no matter the sacrifice.
A mother rises from bed for the 5th time since 2am to comfort her babe that’s teething. Babe is not hungry….not wet… he just can’t sleep because of his itchy, throbbing gums that there is not much help for-
The mom cannot take the pain away, but they can hold that child, and just their presence and warmth and comforting love helps that babe know that they are not alone in their pain.
Lying in that cold crib, reeling in pain, makes the whole world seem so big. Too big. And the arms of a mother is where babes learn to trust. They learn that pain is more endurable when you know that you are not alone.
There is no immediate recognition for that sacrifice-
The pain is still there. The sleep is still wanted.
But what that babe learns is trust.
And they grow to know that in all circumstances, they can fall forward in the knowledge that love produced a soft place to land in hard times.
A father gets up at the crack of dawn, every morning, to check the cars in the driveway. To clear the snow off the windshields, to shovel the walk, to make a path so that it makes the morning easier for his children as they set off on their day. As his children and wife lay in their warm beds, he braves the uncomfortable cold so that they might have an easier morning. There is no prize for that sacrifice. But there is trust. Trust that no matter what the day might bring, they are rooted in knowing that they have someone that they can lean on; someone that gives them the foundation of starting their day off a little easier. Life is hard enough, and their daddy will do what he can to make it a little easier.
A friend uses their own free time to run to the store to stock up on groceries in order to make you a few meals. Their life is very full, but they see that you are going through some struggles and their way of loving you is to take more on in their life in order to make your life a little easier. They don’t do it to win any “friend” prizes. They do it because they want to lighten your already heavy load, as you are going through the heaviness that life has dished out on your plate.
Love is living beyond yourself in order to make another’s life more beautiful and peaceful.

At age 19, Eric-John told me “I got you” and held me in the most ferocious hug after the first and only real “fight” between us.
Context:
In College, he didn’t elect to any religious preference or affiliation. Which scared the crap out of me.
I felt panicked because he stated that he was hesitant in being tied to any “religion”
He felt like I wasn’t open to seeing his point of view- that I was focusing on him denying a title.- and not seeing that he wanted his life to reflect Jesus’ love without a title.
I panicked because I thought he was denying God. He kept telling me I was being rigid in a title and I was missing his point….
He voiced that the word “Christian” was a title that some used to hide behind, all the while treating the world and people with no care-
and it left a sour taste in his mouth.
He detested hypocrisy.
He was still growing and learning about the world and how to relate to it. He always wanted to find a way to connect, and he didn’t want anything to get in the way of that.
I believe God invites questions. That’s how we grow closer to Him. Seeking answers means we are seeking Him.
“Helping thy neighbor” was Eric-John’s mantra
He looked at the history of religion and hated that it was used as weapons to start wars. His Tattoo on his back reflects a harmony. He designed that with Zach Kinsey as a reflection of what was in his heart.
His heart wanted World Peace
He wanted to do the little he could to strive for that.
His beef was with mankind. And he wanted to make a statement.
No matter what, peace is only achieved when we really see and respect others; and not seek power or think we are better; competition kills peace.
I look back on that fight and realize God had my boy the whole time.
At that moment though, I missed the forest for the trees.